I started writing this blog on February 15, 2018. It’s been almost two full years since I started writing this blog. This topic is hard and gritty and not very pretty. I think we often spend a lot of time on the attractive side of the postpartum period. Sometimes that even means talking about bleeding and diapers and leaking breastmilk before we talk about the ins and out and struggles that a relationship goes through during the postpartum period.
When I started writing this blog I was 8 months postpartum and I was in the deep throes of experiencing postpartum rage. It’s something I’ve come to accept as part of my postpartum journey but that doesn’t make it easy to discuss.
So here it goes, I just had a baby and I hate my partner.
I hear this a lot.
I've felt this with every single one of my children.
This feeling is normal, frustrating, confusing and may leave you feeling helpless, rage and hopeless.
Why do so many women feel this way after having babies? Why is the overwhelming feeling of hatred taking over our postpartum periods and how do we stop it?
Honestly, I don’t have the answers but I do know that it sucks and it's hard and you aren’t alone. I want to offer three things that you can do as a couple before and after having a baby to help make the rage and frustration lesser and more manageable.
Learn to communicate about household duties. Often times women take on the bulk of the household duties because this is what we are used to and what we’ve seen for generations. The women takes care of the home and the husband takes out the trash. Maybe that works for your family now but it’s not going to work for you after you have a baby. Make a plan. Three months postpartum, restructure the plan to meet your needs. Your partner needs clear expectations as you figure out this parenting thing together.
Make a list of every single household duty that you have and then put a name by each on. Be realistic and make a pact that you will ask for help if you need it. The cleanliness of your kitchen is not worth the demise of your relationship.
Lean into one another but don’t be scared to seek help outside your relationship. If you need to start therapy, start it! Don’t wait until your frustration is full blown to take care of the problem! And dare I say it, the problem is you. As women, we have to stop expecting so much from ourselves and our partners and sometimes seek help outside of our relationship. Our partner can’t be everything for us, just as we can’t be everything for them.
Learn to accept your hormones and work to change your thoughts. Thought work is HARD and frustrating because it’s so centered on ourselves and as humans we often just want to put the blame on other people. Rage happens, moments happen, dwelling on them and trying to be “right” and justified only makes it worse. If there’s one things I’ve learned through this process it’s that it’s ok to be wrong, even though I don’t like it. Apologizing doesn’t take anything away from me, it only makes my relationship better.
Rage, hate, frustration, upset, tears, sadness and so much more are normal after having a baby. Normal doesn’t mean easy and sometimes admitting the issue is the first step. Make a plan, work together and give it time. I once heard that we should never make decisions about our relationships until we are at least a year postpartum and negating abuse among other things, I believe that. Our bodies need time to get back to normal and that includes our brains. Sometimes our relationships don’t look the same on the other side of rage but that’s ok and it’s probably for the best. Know that you aren’t alone and that it doesn’t last forever. Take a deep breath and get back out there. You can do this mama.
