The Emotional Price Of Parenthood

When I got married to my sweet husband we had a plan! I was on birth control and we were thrilled to start our married life together. I was starting a new job, and at the time we had a long term plan to wait two or three years to have children. We were thrilled about the prospect of having a growing family within the next few years but the idea of relishing in newlywed bliss was something we were very much looking forward to.

No one tells you that birth control can sometimes fail. And sometimes user error is the reason for that failure. And sometimes the user doesn't even realize that they are the reason for the failure. 

I was the user that failed to use the birth control correctly and therefore, one day, I realized that something wasn't right. My breakfast smelled terrible and it was making me gag. That had never happened before. 

I ran to the store that afternoon while my husband was at work and purchased four pregnancy tests. For a stick that you just pee on, those things are expensive! But I was desperate so I bought them all. I took the first one, instantly positive. 

So, what does someone who has never taken a pregnancy test do when the pregnancy test is positive? Google it. How often are pregnancy tests falsely positive? What about this brand of pregnancy test? Can something you eat make a pregnancy test positive?

So I took another test. Positive.

And another. Positive. 

The last one, I didn't even take. Did I mention those things are expensive? 

I lined up the tests and sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed some more. I was absolutely devastated. My plan to be a newlywed and have the time to bond and become even better friends with my husband, were slipping through my fingers. I didn't feel ready for a baby, I wanted to be a teacher and put my whole self into my new job. I wanted to learn how to be a wife and take care of my husband and new home, I didn't want to be thrown into wife and mother at the same time. But it seemed like my life wasn't going to take that path.

Then I fell asleep and forgot that the tests were on the bathroom counter. 

My husband came home from work, went into the bathroom for a shower and got a huge surprise. He came into our bedroom, crouched by the bed and whispered, "babe, are you pregnant?" "Ya", I whispered back. He gave me a quick hug and went into the bathroom for a shower. 

It was hard. We were fine, but it was hard. A baby wasn't involved in either of our plans and we went through a very difficult mourning process. Around eight weeks along, we went to our first doctors appt. We sat in the ultrasound room, holding hands and listened to the little heart beat of our tiny baby. It was life changing.

I walked out of that room a mother. I walked out of that room with the realization that It was now my responsibility to care for this beautiful baby. My heart skipped a beat, the sun was shining and I smiled for the first time in days. I could be a mother. I could be sad and I could mourn the life I thought I would have, but I could do it and we could be a family.