I Don't Want You To Stand Up In The Tub

Throughout my short time being a mother to young children, I have tried to explain many times the love, exhaustion, thrill, terror and wonder of being a parent. I have failed many times. 

I honestly don't know if it's possible to explain parenthood to a non parent. It's not for lack of trying or desire to connect on this level but rather a sheer reality that there is nothing like it in the world. There is nothing like watching your child snuggle next to you after a long day, take their first steps or celebrate their 4th birthday. Parenthood is waves of emotion that wash over you time and time again. 

The cries, the whines, the pouts, the giggles, the smile, each one experienced but not truly felt. The desire to hold onto something that is so fleeting and be present for each moment but watching it pass by you without a moments notice. Parenthood is surreal. 

Today I told my 10 month old "I don't want you to stand up in the tub." I want him to stay little. I want him to stay complacent. I want him to stay a baby. But I yearn to know the person he will be. I am so thrilled to know him as a child, teenager and adult. I want things to stay but I am so thrilled for them to move forward. 

I accept that I can't be present for each moment. I've come to embrace that each year passes so quickly and that I will delight in these sweet memories and forget stressful ones as I and they grow older. This babyhood and needing that zaps me of all my energy is so short but so overwhelming and exhausting. It's so much love, fear, anxiety, and happiness rolled into a big old shit show of crazy and I wouldn't change it. 

For now I'll sit by the bath tub and sing the songs and do my best to enjoy each moment and I hope you will too.