Delete All The Emails!

Today I checked my email. 

A few junk emails, something from gap about a sale that I don't care about an inquiry for placenta encapsulation and an email from my husband. I responded to the inquiry and wrote a short reply to my husband and promptly deleted everything else. 

I'm a deleter. There is nothing more infuriating to me than seeing that little (1) in the corner of my email tab. The little red flag on Facebook drives me batty! I hate notifications because my FOMO propels me to check them instantly. I'm a product of our modern world and it seriously sucks! 

So often I think to myself, if only I could let this go. I'll just turn my phone off for a few hours and enjoy what i'm doing. 

But I can't!
I can't do it!

My type A personality keeps me in check. Those emails have to be deleted. The inquiries need to be responded to ASAP. Everyone needs my attention at the exact second that they ask for it. 

And then I get a response. "Wow, Thanks for replying so fast!" Is it just me? Am I the only one that is constantly being nagged by the (1), the unanswered email, or the unlistened to voice message? 

It can't just be me, but the one thing that these types of responses remind me of is that its ok to slow down. It's ok to not answer an email right away. It's ok to put down your phone (maybe not turn it off though!), and the world isn't going to end if your email tab looks more like (5) <----. 

So breathe, overachiever. Know your not alone and never feel bad about deleting all the emails. 

If Only I Had A Doula When I Moved Across the Country...

With a two week old. 

I like to think of myself as a very strong, determined individual. I'm scrappy and resourceful and very very ambitious. This can be both a good and bad thing. 

My second child was born at the end of December after a very successful induction. I feel overwhelmingly blessed for the experience that I was able to have. The stress surrounding her birth was something that I wish that I hadn't had to go through. 

Noa was due December 19th but my body has no desire to ever let my children go. If it had been fully up to me, I would have waited and let her come when she was ready. Unfortunately we were moving across the country on January 2nd. You can see where this is going. 

My midwife encouraged me to allow them to induce me on the 28th as the other days were completely booked (end of the year tax babies!) and I was truly devastated. Thankfully I did have an amazing doula at the ready to hold my hand and tell me it would all be ok. And you know, it really was! 

After she was born, we packed. And packed. And packed some more. The plan was that my mom and I would drive to my grandma’s house and recover for a week and then fly to our new destination. My husband would stay behind and drive down with his dad in a few days. That four-hour drive was the most uncomfortable drive of my life. The afterbirth pains were intense and as a very tall woman, I wanted to cry and scream out with how cramped I was in the car and how intense my bodily cramps were. 

If I had had a doula she would have told me to slow down. When I came to her with worries and doubts about leaving our home so early (three days after giving birth) she would have nodded and encouraged me to speak with my husband. She would have made me soup and told me to stay in bed. She would have held my baby while I showered in the comfort of my own home. 

But we traveled. 

When we got to my grandmas, I knew immediately that we had made a mistake. My grandparents are wonderful and I couldn't have been more grateful to them for allowing us to stay in their home. But I needed my bed. I needed my pillows. I needed my husband. 

My doula would have said, "it's ok to ask." She would have given me the courage to voice my concerns to my husband and ask/beg him if we could have stayed another week in our home. She would have told me it's ok to slow down and it's ok to say no. 

At my grandparents house, the army of help that I had planned on, fell through. My mother got sick and my son wouldn't sleep in his own bed. I was still uncomfortable and Noa wouldn't stop crying. 

My doula would have stayed awake so that I could sleep. She would have let me cry on her shoulder instead of the bathroom by myself. She would have told me that I was strong. 

Before this experience, I didn't realize the importance of a comfortable postpartum experience and as soon as we walked in the door to our new home, I vowed that I would never do that again. 

My doula would have beamed at me that I had made it and that it was done now. She would have let me tell her over and over how hard it was and how much I didn't want to do it again. She would have folded my laundry so that I didn't have to. And when it was done and I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I would have told her how amazing I was and she would have nodded her head in agreement. 

If only I had had a doula when I moved across the country with a two week old. You live and you learn!

The Body to Strive For

You have worked hard your entire life to ensure a healthy and active body. You attend a gym, go to yoga once a week and drink tea and green smoothies like they're going out of style.

Then you get pregnant.

What a miracle! Your body is creating a human being! You spend nine months exercising, walking like crazy and indulging a here and there because the baby needs that second cupcake! You experience back aches, hip pressure and exhaustion like you've never felt before. 

What is this new body? Your once healthy, strong body feels like it's betraying you. You are weak and absolutely exhausted, despite the 12 hours of sleep you got the night before. The gym no longer brings you joy and you've settled on the couch as your new favorite place to be. You don't give up though. You keep doing yoga and the gym doesn't fall completely to the wayside, and you prepare.

Then the big day!

Its a marathon of 30+ hours and you finally get to hold your  beautiful baby. You experience so many emotions and are truly overwhelmed with love. You take the next few months to relax. You love on your new baby and allow your family and postpartum doula to care for you during the 4th trimester. You're pretty sure this is heaven! Then it happens. 

You take a look in the mirror. Your body isn't the same. It's a different girl looking back at you than the one a year ago. 

Our postpartum bodies hold so many stories. I personally have never been so overwhelmed with how amazing my body is and so utterly disappointed at the same time. I wanted so badly to be the one that sprung back to my pre baby body, but here's a secret no one tells you. No one looks exactly the same as their pre baby body. Every mother changes in some way, whether outwardly or on the inside. Pregnancy and motherhood change us. 

I'm here to give you the go ahead.

The OK, that you are allowed to mourn for something that is lost.

You are allowed to feel sad for the uninvited stretch marks.

Shed a tear for the hips that are a little wider than before.

Allow your heart to sink when you look at your once perfectly chiseled tummy. 

And try to find joy in this new body. 

Allow for the sadness and then remember. You are a women. An amazing, strong, beautiful women. You have done something that many can only marvel at! You have been to the edge and fought your way back. You created another humans body inside of your own. You may have fed, nourished and kept that human body alive with your own. This body has cradled, rocked, kissed, lifted, and hugged that little human and it has not broken. This new body is not the enemy. It's something to be cherished and loved on a daily basis. It's a sign every day to you and the world that you have done the impossible and have won! 

I want you to know that it's ok if you cry today because those stretch marks aren't really what you had in mind. But then I want you look yourself in the mirror and know that you are enough and that no one in the entire world could have done what you did, and that is something to embrace. That is a pride to strive for.